Tis the Gift Giving Season

December ushers in the magical sense of winter and Christmas enchantment.  The Hallmark symbols are everywhere: the snow is falling, the smiling family is gathered around a table heaped with mouth-watering food; stockings hang on the fireplace, and the tree—yes, the tree, is decorated with ornaments and surrounded by piles of beautifully wrapped presents. The spirit of the season, as expressed in cards, advertisements, stores, and televised scenes, is unescapable.  Yet, for parents it may also be a time of anxiety and pressure. The desire to orchestrate a perfect holiday, replete with unforgettable family imprints, is a production that is not easy to pull off for any family.   And, In particular for separated and divorced parents, the season may bring new and unexpected concerns. Are there two separate celebrations?  Two trees? Two dinners?  What about gifts?  What about…..? The concerns are real, the questions are real.  In short, how do we, as parents, handle Christmas or Hanukkah or in fact any important holiday or event that was celebrated with both parents who now are living apart?  Last month we published an article about planning for separate and joint approaches to the celebration of Thanksgiving and Christmas or Hanukkah.  In this  article, we are calling attention to gift giving, with the acknowledgment that gifts are not relevant to all celebrations.  This article is only pertinent if gift giving is part of your celebration.

At the Centre for Mediation and Dispute Resolution, we urge parents to communicate with each other prior to the purchase of gifts.  The obvious reason is to avoid duplication, but there are other reasons, some of which are especially compelling.  Consider the following.

• Parents need to avoid engaging in a kind of contest of whose gifts are best. Gift giving to children, at any time and for any reason, should not be a measure of how “good” a parent you are. Some parents out spend the other or engage in a search for a gift that will be treasured more than the gift or gifts given by the other parent.  Clearly gift giving should not be viewed as a “who is the better parent “contest. Of course, this does not translate into a statement that you should not try to find a gift that will be enjoyed, even treasured.  However, treasures are not always measured by cost.

• Parents might consider giving “mom and dad” gift or gifts. Some parents elect to jointly give the Santa presents until their children no longer believe in Santa Claus. Others agree that the more costly presents should be joint gifts, which may or may not be funded equally. Parents who designate some gifts as joint presents may also agree on individual present(s) from each parent.

• Gifts do not have to be expensive or extraordinary. A new jacket or boots or smashing hat or warm gloves may be appreciated more that something that is used occasionally.

• Gifts may also be events. A parent or both parents might elect to take a child( or children) somewhere special—to a sports game, to a movie, to a concert and the like. Here the gift may be an IOU to a special event or place or tickets already purchased.

In summary, we, at the Centre for Mediation and Dispute Resolution, believe that parents need not only to co-exist but to co -exist in a cooperative and collaborative space.  There is nothing to be lost, and much to be gained, by sending a message to your children that the “other” parent is a terrific parent. Corny as it may sound, the best gift you can give your children is the sense of security that they will have from knowing that they have two parents who are always there for them, as a couple, regardless of being separated or divorced. Perhaps a part of this parental journey is to include gift giving events as an occasion for discussion and cooperation.