The hue and cry of divorcing couples—”Decisions, decisions, decisions—I cannot even think, let alone make life altering decisions.”
Yes, the divorce process is demanding, bewildering, and often anxiety-producing. It is a time when many decisions need to be made, some of which will be irreversible and others which will have a major impact on one or more members of the family. Couples need to recognize that they are being asked to produce information and answer questions that are unfamiliar to them. The divorce process is a bumpy road that most have not walked before. Yet just because the terrain is foreign and the vocabulary is new, does not mean that the individual ability to absorb information and tackle problems has vanished. Indeed, at Centre for Mediation & Dispute Resolution, we would argue that the ability of each individual to shift through information, to formulate ideas, and to weigh alternative options are skills that are alive and well and can be tapped in the divorce process. Couples who refuse to engage and who allow others to do the thinking for them are not only relinquishing control over the decision making but also ignoring their most valuable resource—their knowledge of each other.
Mediation is a problem -solving process. It requires that couples engage in identifying their individual and joint priorities. It requires that couples compile information, that they consider each other’s needs and concerns, and that they participate in looking inward and outward in fashioning different possible options.
In today’s world, replete with its economic, political, and social challenges, couples need to weigh the impact of each idea. Let’s look at one example of a major decision faced by some of today’s divorcing couples:
Where to Live: Housing
Let’s imagine that the couple has a home in a suburb with highly rated schools, that their mortgage was secured when rates were very low, and that the house has increased in value during the 10 years of ownership. The cost to maintain the house is the same or less than renting in the same or nearby town. The stability of the market suggests that the house will increase in value at the same time that the equity is increasing due to paydown of the mortgage principal.
Decision Question: What would be the result of selling the house and splitting the equity?
Decision Answers: “We would each have cash, but not enough to buy a house in the same town where we live now.”
Aside from issues of affordability and selection of living area, purchase of a house would entail securing a mortgage at the current high interest rates
What are the couples’ priorities regardless of whether they sell or do not sell?
(1) That our children can be with each of us—have two homes within reasonable distance of each other;
(2) That our children attend schools that meet their individual needs;
(3) That distances between home and work or home and school or life in general are manageable within the framework of the daily demands of our lives.
Yes, you have generated a listing of priorities, each with its own underlying concerns. Now the central question revolves around generating possible options for preserving at least some of your priorities. Ideas may include:
• The house is retained for an agreed upon period of time—for the children to stay in the school system and for the children to have the stability of home and community.
• Consider other assets or other possibilities that present a way for both parents to stay in the community or nearby?
• Or, if not, is there a willingness by one or both parents to compromise for some defined period of time?
• Will circumstances change over time in addition to children’s graduation from high school?
• Will more income be generated from employment earnings or ventures, from gifting or inheritance, or other sources?
In brief, the couple needs to decide what priorities are most important and different possible routes for achieving these objectives. Of course, the task is not easy. It is never easy to problem solve, to weigh choices, to look for optimal solutions or at the least, choices that have less negative impact. Still the very nature of the process suggests that despite all the baggage that arises with the divorcing process, couples need to recognize that together they can fashion a settlement that focuses on positive choices without the waste of time and money lost in the battle of winning. Mediation provides the environment and the guidance to craft a settlement that is workable now, and in the future, that builds on couples’ knowledge of each other and their shared priorities.
