Of late there has been quite a bit of media buzz about polyamory—domestic partnerships, “open” marriages, families with more than one mother and/or father, not to mention a whole mélange of different interpretations of the word and /or how it defines particular relationships.
If, for the sake of this article, we focus on the question of whether polyamorous couples and/or extended families would find mediation as a useful process, we will concentrate on the “goodness” of the fit—family and process.
Recently The Boston Globe, in a February 10, 2024 article about polyamorous arrangements focused on the topic of finances:
Here decisions about “who pays for what” can be very complicated, particularly since not all of the “internal” relationships in the “family structure” may not be on equal grounds. For example, some individuals may be living together and others may have more peripheral arrangements with an individual or individuals who are living together. Still regardless of the configuration of the relationships, financial matters need to be discussed and agreed upon, probably in written format. Consider some examples:
• Liability for rent—who pays what and when? What if the relationship ends but there is lease?
• Liability for utilities, including cell phone plans
• Liability for food
• Liability for vacations and/or entertainment
In addition to this listing of basic expenses, there are more complex decisions to be made:
• Are moneys kept jointly—for some or all of shared expenses—or separately
• Is individual liability based on ability to pay or are all or only some expenses shared equally?
• What about children? To be born or part of the existing relationship?
• What about owning property?
• What about entitlement to assets if there is a dissolution of the relationship?
• What if one dies? Will provisions? Life insurance?
• How are decisions made? Are there regularly scheduled meetings?
• Is there a written “kind” of contract subject to renegotiation and review in scheduled intervals?
The January 18-23, 2024 New York magazine, features the interpersonal relationships of polyamory entitled “A thorough Guide to Polyamory.” The focus is limited to the varied and various ways that individuals engage with others inside and outside different partnership. Here, the questions are far different and involve agreements on entitlements and commitments for individuals in the relationship. For our purposes, the key to the sexual and interpersonal nature of the polygamous arrangement is reaching agreement on the nature and rights of the individuals involved. Naturally, here too finances play a role.
The questions individuals bring to mediation are in fact almost endless. The basic message, however, is what do we need to agree upon in order to enter into a polyamorous relationship, including bringing in new individuals or ending arrangements with existing partners?
Mediation provides an ideal forum for open and honest discussion of difficult and sensitive topics—a forum in which each participant is valued for his/her ideas and concerns; a forum in which the mediator needs to ensure that each person is able to speak without fear of negative repercussions and in which all participants listen to each other without judgment. The key to crafting agreements is the ability to communicate and to problem solve together—that is the centerpiece of the mediation process.
