Post-Divorce Dilemmas Abound

December 1, 2005
Written by Staff at The Centre for Mediation & Dispute Resolution

Post-divorce Dilemmas Abound

The vast majority of individuals involved in divorce negotiations are eager for closure; even those who did not want the divorce come to yearn for finality of some kind. Yet, all too frequently, the issuance of a divorce decree does not bring closure; questions remain, and sometimes there are more than a few. The crucial question to be asked is how do former spouses deal with post-divorce conflicts? Over 50% of individuals with post-divorce issues return to court. Of the remaining 50%, some ignore the problem; some solve their own disputes; others seek help from any number of sources, including family and friends, therapists and mediators. In an effort to reduce the number of unresolved post-divorce conflicts, it is helpful to understand their commonalities, as well as to consider vehicles for dispute resolution. Let’s examine the most common post-divorce conflicts:

1. Parenting Issues

a.) Schedule Difficulties

• Paul is 12; Isabel is 11. If asked they would say they love and miss their dad. Yet they balk at going to his house. The comforts of home are missing—no computer, no television in the bedroom and, worst of all, Dad’s house is too far from their friends. Mom feels she cannot force them to go, although she would certainly like a break from the 24/7 routine. Dad feels Mom is responsible for the problem.
• Mom has remarried. John and Allison, 15 and 14, respectively, do not like Mom’s new husband. They want to live with their Dad. Mom feels the kids have not given their stepfather a chance, that they are upset at the loss of her time with them more than not liking her new husband. Dad feels there must be something wrong with this “guy”; he is willing to assume custody.

b.) Relocation

• Remarriage with request to relocate out-of-state with new spouse
• Request to relocate for better or new job
• Request to relocate to be near support system (e.g., closer to family)
• Request to relocate for improved standard of living (e.g., better schools, housing, services)

c.) Other Parenting Issues

• Differences in household policies (e.g., bedtime, mealtime, food served, television exposure, discipline)
• Differences in parental oversight, (e.g., leaving kids alone, letting them walk home from school, movies and the like; riding their bikes “too far”)

2. Payment for Weddings and Other Major Celebrations

a.) Difference in opinion on how to allocate costs between parents (e.g., 50/50 vs. proportionate to income or one parent pays)

b.) Difference in opinion on amount of money to be spent

c.) Difference in opinion on contributing to cost of wedding (to contribute or not)

3. Post-Secondary Education

a.) Difference in opinion on how much should be financed by parents and by children

b.) Difference in opinion on how much is affordable

• Difference in opinion on interpreting agreement
• No definition of “financial ability to pay”
• No definition on whether there is a ceiling on liability
• No definition on the child’s responsibility for funding
• No definition on timeframe of obligation (e.g., 4 years from high school)
• No definition on child’s obligations (e.g., full time student, passing average)

4. Support Reductions/Increases

a.) Objective to reduce support due to custodial parent’s securing of employment

b.) Objective to reduce support due to payor’s decreased income

c.) Objective to reduce support due to alimony recipient’s living with a wealthy individual in his/her big house

d.) Objective to increase support due to payor’s increased income

e.) Objective to increase support due to recipient’s decreased income

f.) Objective to increase support due to recipient’s poor health

Interestingly, we are noticing an increase in the number of couples who enter mediation to resolve new issues and “dangling” old issues. What exactly is the appeal? The obvious answers center on efficiency: mediation is quicker, less expensive, and produces less stress. Then, too, mediation provides couples with a private, confidential forum, an environment far different than that of the court. But perhaps, most of all, a couple’s, even a former couple’s, decision to mediate represents a commitment to work together to resolve differences. This decision, in and of itself, launches participants in a new and different direction—one that focuses on problem solving in a pragmatic and collaborative forum. The need for future assistance may disappear, as individuals learn to resolve their own differences together without outside help. That is an achievement to be heralded.

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